Five Things from this Week

Five things from this week:

The Firm – Satisfaction Guaranteed (1985)

I’ve done and gone on the social-network thing. I had a Facebook profile and went to MySpace twice and figured that was enough. I “connected” with 450 some-odd people on Facebook that knew me at some point in life. Of them, I sent an email to roughly fifty people I wished to stay in contact with and ditched FB. It reminded me that I broke off contact, or contact had drawn to slow leak, with these people for a reason.

That being said, I have things that happen to, or come to me, all the time and with no outlet now that my FB audience has been disbanded. Thankfully, The Bastard was there again to save me. The Underground Bastard knows and reads the bottom of every soul he sees. The Bastard is quietly insightful so you don’t even detect his presence. Thankfully again, UgB uses this power for good*. This brings us here: five things that happened this week. Nothing you need to know but will be better for knowing it. However, since you need to know me to know me, I’ll make submission #1 “Five Things about Me”.

Cyprus Hill: A to the K (1993)

1. Work:
I have a job that’s more intense than anything imaginable. Fighter pilot, firefighter? PFFT! They go nuthin’ on what I do. I AM Daddy 2.0. I stay at home during the day and take care of my children ages 2, 3, and 4. My wife and I made a conscious decision that I would not “work” and stay at home roughly 4 years ago. Turns out two things I learned about myself in the last 4 years are that I’m a pretty good mom, and I have NO fucking idea what the hell I’m doing. I’m part Mary Poppins part Glen Danzig.

Of course I do all of the motherly, responsible things require but law and morality. However my person seeps into my job from time to time and it leads to conversations like:

Setting: Exterior – Warm spring afternoon. As Daddy chases two daughters around the yard, Teddy sits in the Family Truckster
Me – Teddy! Would you quit blowing the car horn?
Teddy (3 year old son and car enthusiast) - But daddy I had to…
Me – Why?
Teddy – There was an asshole

Wonder where he got that one?

Harry Conic Jr. – It had to be you

2. Politics:
I dwell often on a particular political point: 58,343,671 people in the United States voted for a Presidential ticket that included Sarah Palin. I want you to stop and read that again. There are 58 million people that wanted Sarah Palin to be, and with McCain this is never truer, one heart beat from being the President. I know that you can never argue politics and religion but here’s what I think.

When The Union won the Civil War, America lost. It forced us to keep the God damned stupidest demographic of denizens imaginable, left to nurse off the teet of the important places in America. Namely the coasts.

If you look at a map of the last election results (in blue and red) you’ll see what I call the Axe Wound of Stupidity and Jesus. There are no farmers anymore. The farmers that vote Republican had to sell to GOP backed agra-business. There are no important cities. Just shit pot towns that do in a month what New York and LA do after two lines of Peruvian flake and a quick hand-job. I say let Texas succeed from the country. While we’re at it fuck you Kansas, Indiana, and Nebraska. We barely needed you to begin with and now you’ve simply become the retarded uncle we love and laugh with at Thanksgiving but we still won’t let drive.

Population1 – Sick Punk (2002)

3. The Rules:
I met my wife in a story book way. I walked into a bar with friends and saw her across a crowded dance floor. I lightly elbowed a buddy and said “See that hot blond up there? I’m going to marry her.” It’s now 15 years later and we are happier than ever. It’s fantastic being married and having a family. Seriously, I highly recommend marrying a funny chick that you know will still be hot when she rounds the back stretch.

At the commencement of our relationship, when I knew she was a long-termer, I needed her to know three very important things about my happiness. Because, let’s face it, the instant that your relationship tips from joy to despair it’s time to bounce. That is the iron clad rule. Even if it tips to 49/51 and there’s no sign it’s coming back, just get out. If you want to avoid that give a short list of things that are of the utmost importance to you. Get ‘em out there early so it’s not a scale-tipper down the pike. I did just that at our first breakfast… after our first night although we’d passively known each other for a few months.

We went to a random greasy spoon near her apartment and ordered the standard after partying fare. When the food arrived I simply asked her to eat and listen to me for a few minutes.

Me – So. H. I’ve got to tell you… I’m thinking this could work out.
The H – Me too. I had fun last night.
Me – Well… That brings us to a… couple of… short point. A list, if you will of things that… you’ll need to know.
(Note: when I get nervous I talk a little like Shatner)
The H – Is this the part when you tell me ‘don’t make me angry… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry’?
Me – No. Nothing like that. Just three… rules, so to speak, that I need you to know.
The H – OK, big fellah. Shoot. I’m going to tuck into this French toast while it’s hot.
Me – Fine idea. So, here are the items I need to discuss in ascending order. The first is I fucking love football. So much so, in fact, I need to call dibs now on the TV for ever single televised American football game, be it pee wee on public access or the Super Bowl. I don’t do grandmother’s birthdays if they run up against a game. I don’t go to the wake until the games over. In the case of overtime I make a donation in the decease’s name and send flowers. And I never go out on Monday nights. End of story.
The H – (After a suitable pause) OK. I’m graduating college in about 2 months and I’m going to be a teacher. Don’t fuck with my summer. I am going to the beach every day.
Me – Cool. Now…2.
The H – Yeah?
Me - I LOVE pot. I’m never going to stop smoking pot. I intend to smoke pot every day for the rest of my life. Don’t come to me in two years saying ‘you smoke too much pot! You better quit!’ because I’m not quitting.
The H – You’d pick dope over me?
Me – I don’t know yet, I just met you. I do know that pot doesn’t bitch at me.
The H – (Another pause) OK. I can get behind that one. Whats three?
As she asked that I saw that most of her breakfast had vaporized.
Me – Well? How much do you weight?

You know when you hear people say someone’s jaw dropped? Yeah.

Me – WAIT! Hold on! I just have to say this now!
The H – (still slack-jawed) OK OK, I’ll hear you out. 120.
Me – Perfect! I love a beautiful woman on my arm. Fuck it, call it my vanity if you want but there is nothing like knowing the most beautiful woman in the room is mine. So you’re nearly flawless at 120… but at 140? We’ll have a talk. At 160? We’ll have a long talk. 200lbs?
The H – yeah?
Me – You’ll be talking to yourself.

Amazing we get out of there without our first domestic violence arrests but we did. We are making it and, after being pregnant for 27 out of 38 months The H looks stunning, I have my own HDTV with the NFL package and I am currently as high as Billy-be-damned.

Neil Young and Crazy Horse: Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black), from Live Rust

4. Thinking?
I’m an associative thinker. I think in streams of consciousness. To some extent I’m sure you’ve done it but for me it’s more active than passive. Here’s an example:
I walked by our DVD/VCR combo the other day and thought “The VCR. Do we even own any VCR tapes? VHS. Beta never made it. Porn. Porn made the choice. The porn industry backed VHS. I remember our first VCR as a kid. I used to tape all sorts of shit. MTV, Monday Night Football. I remember my parents getting another VCR for their bedroom. It was “just for them” we had the one in the living room. They never taped anything though. They could have used our VCR I suppose, right? Wait a fucking minute… Porn? Holy shit, my parents got another VCR for themselves to watch porn! EWWWWWWWWWWW!

See what I mean?

The Cure: Jumping Someone Else’s Train

5. Oh, that's what's up...
Item #5 has to do with the music posted throughout this work. Above most everything, the random items that appear on ones unfiltered playlist tell almost the whole story. What I’ve done here is press play as I began this piece. Without skipping or cheating, you see what I was listening to as each section began.

Pink Floyd – “Shine on you Crazy Diamond” (recorded 1975; Abbey Road Studios)
And that’s what takes us home tonight. Couldn’t think of a better one to go out on.